Ik ben gebeëindigd. Ik leef met mijn moeder. Alles is beter nu.Ik zie mijn toekomst

It is very good news.

everything is moving.
sometimes i feel i don't exist.

School:
I go to it but i feel as if i am floating along and no one talks to me so its easy to pretend like i am invisible. I went from knowing everyone to knowing no one and its quite odd. It makes me wonder if anyone would notice if i just
slipped.
away.

Family:
I was sent here because i wanted to avoid family and messed up any relationship i could have still had in order to do so. What i realize now is that having family who doesnt care about you isnt all that fucking great. its actually depressing. I'll come home at 10 at night after being out with Filip or Grace or anyone - not being stupid just staying out - and i will come home and no one cares. Most would think this was good, they trust me. but i dont think they trust me i honestly just dont think they care. and my uncle makes me feel really dumb a lot with these open-ended questions about my future. i am at the point of not caring.

Boys:
There's Peter, with whom i am friends but nothing more however bad he wants it. I hate teasing him but i do it anyway - what's wrong with me? Filip is my boyfriend for a month now. Good stuff. I really like him and havnt cheated on him and its wonderful. confidence-builder.

Girls:
I thought Kayla would be something. But she is EXACTLY like David Schaeffer. For this i have nothing but resentment.
But i am excited because for once i can actually list female friends of mine. Grace, Maleesha, Kim, Dathal, Chelsa, Zane, Samantha, etc. haha that makes me quite happy.

Substances:
I have been 100% clean since i got here. no joke. its called AA. hah and i attend it every single day and it keeps me from doing anything and its pretty damn wonderful.

Future:
I am trying to go about my plan in a very objective way - I picture myself how i want to be and then proceed in taking the necessary steps to get myself there. I see myself living in my own little apartment (crappy but still mine) or with a roommate. Either way, living without family physically, since i am already without them emotionally. I see myself driving, obviously, and since i am currently working on that it is good. Peter has a neighbor who wants to give him a silver Lexus for $5k. Peter asked if i want it since he already has a car. lol i said yes. I think i can throw down 5 grand for a Lexus. HElls yeah.
I see myself in ASU - so i filled out the application and all i have to do now is keep this plan in motion. the college board wont email me my password so its unfortunate. i have to send ASU my SAT scores.
I would have to get a co-signer for student loans. but i would do it. and if i get into ASU i will work pretty fucking hard and i will not slack. i am ready for life.
i think.
[insert large audible sigh here]

kay so this is one of those journals i write when i have absolutely nothing to do and i am waiting for life to continue.
i am at the library
i dont work until 1730
i dont have anywhere to be until 1710
right now is 1656
i have wasted as much time as i possibly can, this is getting sad. i hate the library. it's like, really uncomfortable-feeling. like seriously.

i went to work earlier to talk to beverly and the good news is that i dont work on my birthday...yay...so friday rojie is coming home on the bus with me and she is spending the night and it'll pretty much be the shit.
haha
godDAMN and i bored. today i got assigned an unnatural amount of AP Literature homework so i will most likely not be on later--so sorry to those who love me particularly Leeanna--but it's insane.

i have so much to do
technically i am only here at the library to get books on Napoleon but apparently on the shelves they have all of ONE book. so i had to order like 9 or something crazy from other "branches". haha, i love english. it's like a tree. hahah but its a library.

anyway i think i have wasted enough time doing this so i will go now.
must meet people.
my time is in high demand

goodmorning. today is sunday. my first day off after what feels like a while, but in reality wasn't that long. like, school started on wednesday so that is why it feels like i have worked so much this week...i mean I was up unitl like 2300 or later every night these past nights.
so this morning i woke up at 800 to go to the cult-house, but then my dad told me we weren't going. so I went back to sleep.
and when i woke up it said 1227 on my clock. i was like 'shit'. but apparently nobody cared cause i have worked so much. ugh.
and i hate school this year. last year was so much better. this year all the old seniors have graduated and it sucks cause they were cool. now we're the seniors. and only drew and I are remotely cool. no offense to Rojie. i love her, but she is a complete nerd. she does homework if we have time to talk in class. so yeah i talk to drew. i keep telling aubrey he has to transfer into our school but he says i would see him dead before he would do that. haha i dont blame him.
but yeah we have 2 new american guys and they are both TARDS and not in the good way. one of them has these spaz attacks every 2 seconds and has a throat full of acne and is obsessed with...well...me. And the other one highfives people all the time and called my friend lindsey a swan. soo weird...die bierficker...
anyways. so no cool people at school anymore.
work is um...do i really wanna talk about that? there's drama only in my head, but it still exists. it doesn;t help with the whole gurvinder-sammy-people stuff im just gonna shutup. i love how this is a journal and i cant say what i really feel.
maybe instead of worrying about all this shit i should just forget about everything and everyone and move back to egypt and live with Ahmed. sound good? yep, i think it does.
so yeah i need to go to sfway to get school supplies later. hopefully my mother (*cough) sees the importance in this. then i actually have to go to the library too.
my birthday's on friday and i really just kind of want it to be over. i just want to disappear for a few hours and come back when i dont have to deal with it.
this, obviously, for my own reasons.
i really like Blaqk Audio now. deff one of my fave. bands suddenly.
which makes sense cause AFI was already high on the list .
i have so much laudry to do and i am not interested in any of it
*large sigh/yawn* <the story of my life

anyway
so i am just sitting here. wow. i guess i could go call sammy. cause i told him i would call him and after 1730 i wont be able to. so yaeh. its 1420. what to do...
i am going to start laundry.
i have decided...
oh and i have to write 5 pages on Ahab
ew.
okay bye everyone.

So this is going to be the shortest journal i think i will ever write. I am just in my room this morning doing what i always do - getting ready for work...I have been studying these code cards all fucking night. I actually think I dreamed about something produce-related.
(You have full permission to continue to sit there and listen to Alex bitch for the next hour if you want) My hair is wet at the present, so I should probably dry it before it starts to frizzzzz. One day, frizz will be the death of me. Of this I am sure. I wonder if this will be one of those life-altering days. I wonder this every morning.
Anyway, I know about 76/100 of the PLU codes and I must know them all for my test later. I have until like 4-something (when my boss arrives at work--yes, she has the weirdest hours ever known to man) to learn the other 23.
I can do that.
I just have to learn the stupid peppers. Damn it. haha, I have to remember to change-out bills today. They'll make me do the deposit so it won't be a problem.
Now i realy must go - it is 7:44.
Auf Wiedersehen!! ^____^

aLeX